Bitch!

So yesterday I was talking with the boy when I mentioned something about him not being really interested anymore. Guess what he wrote... youre moving.....and im not going to allow myself to get wrapped up in someone when theyre splitting town. its not worth it.
So needless to say I was hurt and pissed..I bitched at him and told him he was the one to say that we should spend as much time as possible together and enjoy it will it lasts... his reply..youre right....i did say that, but doing so might had made my feeling grow stronger....and that would had been bad. once again i was upset and asked him why he still planned on seeing me which he replied because he wanted to.. i told him that what he said was fucked up and unfair. ..so yes being the person that i am he's going to visit before i leave because like i said before i can't deny that lil thing between us that makes things great...

Lonesome...

It's Monady night... the night that usually takes forever to be over. It's been about 2months since seeing the boy. I've gone out and made out with other boys. Besides boys that I've been with before I really have no want to sleep with anyone else. It's kinda like breaking up all over again. There is always the internet to communicate but after not seeing someone for so long it seems like things have changed and feelings are lost, and the joy that you hold when you are together is locked in time. So I'm looking forward to the day to see him again and be ourselve's our sarcastic assholish selves together. It seems so far away. It seems kinda ridiculous, but I've had my oppurtunity for sex these past months and I've said no and kept saying no and kept keeping myself distant from these boys. Not just because of him.. well maybe a little. Maybe because I haven't met anyone that gives me that feeling that spark I was talking about. I know I'll see him before I move which is only a month away and I think about it and it puts tears in my eyes for many reasons. Not the seeing him part but mostly the moving part well and the seeign him part. I see him and I feel like 'falling in love' not literally but figuratively speaking. I feel great when I see him I get giggly and kinda shy even though we'ev been talking for a few years. So I know I will miss him more after I see him and move. I have tears of joy to finally leave and be on my own. I have tears of fear knowing that I am moving to a town where I know nobody. I have tears of strength because I made it to a UC it took longer than I wanted to but I made it. I have tears of worry that I will not be able to pay my fees. I have tears of self conciousness that maybe I don't belong where I am going and that I may not make it. I have tears of love for all those people that are soo excited for me and happy I am going while I sit here unsure of how I feel. I am strong and determined and I need to remember that. But right now I just want that boy near to cuddle under his arm. Because somewhere inside I can't let go what a magical feeling I have when I'm around him and I will not let that die. I will move further than where I am now and probably lose the connection but then again maybe not, because this is one guy that I got to know a bit more before getting intimate. We chatted back and forth on and off for a few years, but every time we started talking again it was like nothing changed and there was no gap between conversations. Sometimes your heart won't let go. And my heart holds true to that there are still 2 men in my life from my past that I care very much about, that will never change.

Sparks???

No sparks here. So I went on the date had a great time. I think he told me I was pretty probably 20 times. Considering he's seen me at my worst and continued to ask me out I knew he would be surprised as to what I look like outta the pool. So we went to dinner talked a bunch and went for drinks after all in all about 3hrs. We had good conversation. He really had no idea what kinda of person I am. He thought I was some quiet, shy, innocent, patient person. YAH NO!! I'm somewhat outgoing, completely sacrcastic, witty, like to give people shit. For instance earlier in the day I called him out about shaving his chest and having bleached teeth. Both of which he claims is untrue but I still think he bleaches his teeth. So I had fun but no sparks. Maybe its just me but I was talking to a friend and the topic of sex came up. I mentioned I can only have sex with a person that there is a certain spark with. That sitting, chatting and flirting gives me a lil tingle that kinda spark. Don't get me wrong he's a good looking guy he's 5'11", part indian and portuguese, black hair, light brown eyes, and he's pretty built. But there is something not there and I dont' think its the age thing. Its just not there. So my friend mentioned that the spark doesn't necessarily need to be there for her to you know... yah well maybe its odd but I need that spark otherwise there is kinda a no go. So basically I ended the date with a hug and a "we should go out again I had fun". Which I honestly ment but I don't know if going out again would be a step in the I want something more direction. Which I don't. I'm completely happy with having my sexy sexy boy in far away land to take care of my sexual needs. He gives me an ULTIMATE spark by a tinkle in the eyes.... Hey maybe thats it... maybe only blue eyed boys have the 'spark'... no... cuz not all of them do. I don't know some feed back would be nice though.

Date?

Ok so I'm going on a date with a guy from the gym that I've noticed the past two years doing swim lessons there. Well today was the last day of swim lessons and he asked me to dinner to I told him to call me. Now we're going out. He's a divorced cop with two kids and he's 38. Did I mention my mom is 39?? Yikes

Can I quit having weird dreams?

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Last night was another weird one and another one that included my ex hurting me. The last one was he fucked my best friend after we broke up. This one was I was going to Russia with him but just kinda as friends we were still broken up. But I had the inclination it would lead to more since why else would he take me to Russia. Then after a crazy ordeal boarding the plane and it doing flips because of the wind we arrive in Turkey instead of Russia. Guess what his lil Japanese wife shows up in Turkey too the one he didn't tell me about. Gosh wtf?? My dreams are crazy. The other dreams recently involve babies and weddings and people being prego. Maybe I need to down tranquilizers before bed.

update?

Not sure what to write except I finally got my raise. The state fair is in full Bloom I can't wait to go. Haven't seen the boy yet but he's doing great except extremely busy at work. I move in one month and ten days. I havent packed a thing. I think I've gained 5lbs of muscle mass. I just need to keep it up so the fat goes away. My legs aren't looking half bad. I have a mini tan. My hair is a pain and I refuse to dye it until swim lessons are over. I want to paint again but I always dissapoint myself on the final outcome. I seem to always have this picture in mind of what I want and can never seem to create it . Although when I'm very upset I paint my best. I need to finish putting my London pictures in my photo album and I need to get my Las Vegas pictures developed. I also need to get more of my debt paid off a lil more quickly. I think thats is for now.

Orientation.

I was in so cal this weekend for my orientation at school. It was kinda lame but I'm proabably a lil bit older than most transfer students. I can't wait to move I absolutely love the coast. I spent this morning having breakfast sitting on the beach staring at the ocean. Watching all the surfers trying to catch waves. I registered for my classes. I'm going to have to work my ass off and actually read my textbooks. I'm sorry but reading Organic Chemistry text books are like the hardest things to read EVER. Not a fan it's my worst subject and I know why. I'm not a great spatial learner. I'm a hands on learner I can pass the labs just fine but when it comes to taking the tests and visualizing how electrons get passed during a reaction is just not my thing. Considering how I'm not going to know anyone there nor will friends or family be readily available there is no reason why I can't do it. I don't have any excuses. So I decided I'll take it my first two quarters and be done with it then I can focus on the rest of my classes. It's only a 10wk quarter so it'll go by quickly also. I'm excited I get to wake up everymorning a 5 minute walk away from the beach, and my apartment has a pool. Sigh this is great. I move September 23.

Ouch..

I think I may have injured my ankle. Which happended to be after I kidnapped a cute boy from the chinese restuarant to drag him to another chinese restaurant so I could get a ham and cheese bun before they closed. So we're running to my care or walking swiftly whatever you wanna call it and I walk over the grass and I end up sinking on one side kinda doing the standing on the side of your foot thing. I say OW and keep on my way get in the car and make a swift getaway with the boy. Who now thinks I drive like a maniac since we had 5min to get to the place before they closed. So we pull up to the front and I tell him to go get me my buns we have a lil playful arguement when he asks why don't you just go in and get it. Well I was pretty much on a corner kinda a bit turned and there was a cop pulling up next to me. Thank god I didn't get a ticket our windows were doing and I replied to boy after he asked "are you serious"... "yes I'm serious I'm not getting our here there is a cop right there" so I park run outta my car get my buns. He has my keys since he turned off my car for me then has his camera ready to take a pic when I'm walking back to my car. We head back to the other place I finish my bun outside and he's giving my shit the whole time asking if it's really named a sticky bun. I almost pissed myself laughing, and eating. So now I'm home and my ankle hurts. I hope its not sprained, but we had fun. It was kinda like the first time us doing anything alone and I dragged him out to feed my hunger tummy. Oh well at least he'll remember. He's a cutie and a sweetheart but I'm not sure how much further it will go besides bowling and watching horror flicks. Which I just found out he lives with 3 other boys. Sheesh! If there is one thing I learned cute boys living together can be one hell of a good time... but he's a good boy... so none of that.

YAY!!

My baby is back! I'm glad he's almost 100% better and I'm glad I didn't give up. *sigh* my heart is happy