Lonesome...

It's Monady night... the night that usually takes forever to be over. It's been about 2months since seeing the boy. I've gone out and made out with other boys. Besides boys that I've been with before I really have no want to sleep with anyone else. It's kinda like breaking up all over again. There is always the internet to communicate but after not seeing someone for so long it seems like things have changed and feelings are lost, and the joy that you hold when you are together is locked in time. So I'm looking forward to the day to see him again and be ourselve's our sarcastic assholish selves together. It seems so far away. It seems kinda ridiculous, but I've had my oppurtunity for sex these past months and I've said no and kept saying no and kept keeping myself distant from these boys. Not just because of him.. well maybe a little. Maybe because I haven't met anyone that gives me that feeling that spark I was talking about. I know I'll see him before I move which is only a month away and I think about it and it puts tears in my eyes for many reasons. Not the seeing him part but mostly the moving part well and the seeign him part. I see him and I feel like 'falling in love' not literally but figuratively speaking. I feel great when I see him I get giggly and kinda shy even though we'ev been talking for a few years. So I know I will miss him more after I see him and move. I have tears of joy to finally leave and be on my own. I have tears of fear knowing that I am moving to a town where I know nobody. I have tears of strength because I made it to a UC it took longer than I wanted to but I made it. I have tears of worry that I will not be able to pay my fees. I have tears of self conciousness that maybe I don't belong where I am going and that I may not make it. I have tears of love for all those people that are soo excited for me and happy I am going while I sit here unsure of how I feel. I am strong and determined and I need to remember that. But right now I just want that boy near to cuddle under his arm. Because somewhere inside I can't let go what a magical feeling I have when I'm around him and I will not let that die. I will move further than where I am now and probably lose the connection but then again maybe not, because this is one guy that I got to know a bit more before getting intimate. We chatted back and forth on and off for a few years, but every time we started talking again it was like nothing changed and there was no gap between conversations. Sometimes your heart won't let go. And my heart holds true to that there are still 2 men in my life from my past that I care very much about, that will never change.